


Chasing Home

by DearLazerBunny



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-03 12:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearLazerBunny/pseuds/DearLazerBunny
Summary: Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible* Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns





	1. Chapter 1

I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone on my first day.

Leia leads me to the command room, and it’s so… busy. People running back and forth, tech and droids being thrown every which way, a frenzied hum rising in the air like the strange cicadas that made their home in D’Qar’s trees. Infinite distractions. But I focus on keeping my gaze straight ahead, quelling my curiosity. _You’re not here to be curious._

As I watch the commanders filter in, I’m hyper aware of everything around me. My braids winding around my skull, tight enough to pull skin. The traveling cloak draped around me, conveniently hiding the small insignia patched onto my right shoulder. My pack, holding what little I brought, digging into my shoulders as the leather straps grow heavy with gravity. I’m glad for a familiar face standing next to me. The reunion with Leia was heartfelt, to say the least. She met me on the outskirts of the planet, and I could feel as I was landing her holding back tears, because I was doing the same.

Underneath the main hologram console, she gives my hand a reassuring squeeze as the rest of the people gather around us. Two of them- probably mechs, gathering from their oil-slick clothes- have pulled up stools and are chatting animatedly about something or other. Head of medical, in his white lab coat, is absentmindedly scrawling notes on a digipad. Last to come in is a curly-haired pilot, orange jumpsuit tied around his waist. Nearly everyone in the room calls out a greeting to him and he nods back with a large smile. Charmer. I make a mental note to stay far away from him. Charmers have a way of getting you to trust them much too easily.

“I believe I will call us to order,” Leia says, her soft voice backed with steel as it filtered through the room. The conversation around us dies, leaving only the atmospheric hum of a busy workplace. “Thank you for meeting me. As I’m sure you read, we have a new arrival on D’Qar. I expect you all to make her feel welcome in the following days.” _Days. Weeks. Months. Who knows how long I’ll be here._ “Cade, would you like to say something?”

I step forward, fingers drumming a tattoo on my right hip where my saber would normally hang. Nervous tick. Blue light illuminated the faces surrounding me in an eerie glow. I try not to think of it as a premonition. “Thank you, General. As she said, my name is Cade. You may address me as such.” I pause, trying to think of something else to say. At home, that would have been enough. Here, they’re much more… open. “It is an honor to be accepted by the Resistance. I look forward to aiding you all in my time here.” Satisfied, I give a small nod and step back into shadow, feeling safer in the partial concealment.

They still seem to be waiting for more, but Leia speaks up before I’m put on the spot again. “Poe, I’ve assigned you to show Cade around the base until she’s comfortable with it herself.”

Charmer pilot steps forward with a broad grin, hand outstretched. I stare at it for a second before tentatively shaking it, not letting his grip outweigh mine. “I’m Poe, Poe Dameron. Commander of the Black Squadron here on D’Qar. Looks like I’ll be showing you around.” He winks at me, and I have the sudden urge to roll my eyes so hard they detach from my head. Leia gives a disapproving tut, but there’s warmth behind it.

“Poe, please, let’s keep the flirting to a minimum.” He had the decency to look mildly embarrassed. “I’ll consider us adjourned. Thank you all, you’re dismissed.”

As everyone floats away, it’s just me, Leia, and Poe left. She nudges me subtly on the back towards the pilot before being called away to another post. “I’m glad you’re here, Cade. We’re glad you’re here.”

I nod to her, grateful for the kind words. I hike my pack farther up on my shoulder and look expectantly at Poe. “I’m told I have quarters in the East wing?”

“I- yes, of course! It’s just through here.” He gestures to a door nearest us and I follow, a few steps behind to his left. Protocol. Difficult habit to break. He winds us through corridors of dirt and concrete, a maze of workrooms, quarters, and people, all rushing to get to where they need to go. There are a few groups here and there meandering through the chaos, laughing, and I assume they’re on break. “This here’s the mess hall.” He points to a cavernous room to our right, filled with the sound of echoing voices. “Best food on the planet, twenty-four-seven. And over here is…”

I try to listen politely, but the exhaustion of the day’s work is taking over, and all I want to do is crash in a bed. Finally, we seem to reach a quieter part of the base. Less movement, and a settled sort of feeling. A welcome change from the madness of the rest of the place.

“So, Cade. Where ya from?”

I eye him, trying to suss out how much he knows. “Here and there. Nowhere permanent.”

“No home planet?”

“No.” He seems surprised at my lack of an answer, which I take to mean he’s completely clueless as to why I’m here. And if he’s clueless, so is everyone else. Fantastic.

“What made you want to join the Resistance?”

I stiffen involuntarily, one hand squeezing the leather strap slung over my shoulder until it bites into my hand. “I am not with the Resistance, Mr. Dameron. Make no mistake on that.”

“…still deciding, then.”

He makes it sound like that’s the only other possible explanation. As though everyone in the world is tripping all over themselves to join the Resistance. “No, Mr. Dameron. I currently remain unaffiliated.”

He looks at me like I’m crazy. “We don’t usually allow visitors on D’Qar.”

“The General and I have an agreement.”

“Such as?”

Stars. “Do you always ask this many questions?”

“Only when I’m trying to be nice.”

I sigh. “I take it no one here has actually been informed of my arrival.”

“Other than meeting you in command today? No, no one knows a thing. You’re quite the enigma.”

He says it jokingly, like he’s trying to get a rise out of me. “I see. Perhaps that’s for the best.” No telling as to what they’ll do when I start swinging a saber around, but hey, if Leia didn’t tell them, I’m certainly not going to. I’d be a smudge on the floor before the day is up.

He blessedly says nothing for the remainder of the trip until we stop in front of a heavy metal door. “C3, East wing. Your new abode.”

I step forward and pretend to press buttons on the keypad, when really I just unlock it with a swipe of my hand. “Thank you. I appreciate the guidance.”

“No problem. Let me know if you need anything. There should be a comm pad in there with my ID keyed into it.”

I nod and step forward, then will the door shut, not caring that I left him mid-sentence. The room is small, but adequate. A bed tucked into an alcove, a chest of drawers, a door leading to what I assume is the bathroom. There’s even shelves for knickknacks or books, which strikes me as a little absurd. This is a military base, not a dormitory. Then again. I think of Faustina back home, who keeps pictures from magazines taped up beside her bed. For the color, she says. Maybe it’s a universal want.

I investigate the drawers. They’ve been filled with plain clothing, conspicuously absent of any Resistance logos. Thank you, Leia. I change into a comfy looking pair of pants and shirt and climb into bed, leaving my bag to be unpacked tomorrow.

I get up again. Tie the pants tighter around my hips, situate my boots at the corner of the bed so I can leap into them in a moment’s notice if need be. I take my saber from my pack and it hums underneath my palms, begging to be activated. Some sense of normalcy in this strange new place. But instead I carefully tuck it under my pillow, just within reach.

Just in case. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

Breathe in… breathe out. And in… and out again. Imagine a candle. A tiny, flickering flame cupped in the palm of your hands. Feed it, nurture it, but do not let it get hasty. Temper it, quiet it, but do not let it go out. In… and out…

I hear crunching of rock coming from behind me. My concentration is immediately shot and I huff in frustration. I’ve been meditating here for two weeks and no one has bothered me since.

“Found you.”

He says it like we were playing a game, like children. “I wasn’t aware you were looking for me. Nor that I wished to be found.”

Poe stands awkwardly against the trunk of a tree behind me, arms crossed over his chest. I don’t turn around, instead calmly scanning the small stream in front of me for any ripples of disturbance. “Did you need something?”

“Leia told me to tell you that Rey has arrived on base.”

Oh.

The scavenger. I’ve been waiting for her arrival. As much as I’ve heard about her, I’m loathe to form an opinion without actually meeting her. But I have to admit I’m curious. We all were. The hunt for her was second only to Skywalker himself, which is no easy feat.

And here she is, within my grasp. Such an interesting juxtaposition.

“Are you waiting for her?”

“That would be a reason to inquire of her whereabouts, yes.”

He rolls his eyes- apparently even Mr. Charmer has his limits- and takes a seat next to me, one leg pulled up to his chest so he can rest his chin on his knee.

“I have to be honest, the suspense is killing me.”

I look at him, surprised. “Have you never met her?”

He laughs. “Well, no, but I meant about you. You’ve been here two weeks and we don’t know anything about you. I’m going to lose the betting pool at this rate if I don’t dig something up.”

“If Leia didn’t brief you, then I have no right-”

“Leia doesn’t have a significant stake in the betting pool.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“No, because such things happen to be beneath Leia.”

“See, there you go again! Calling her Leia.” He shakes his head, looking at the horizon where the sun is going down. “I thought I knew all of Leia’s friends.”

“I’d imagine she has quite a bit more than you’d think.”

He looks at me calmly, but there’s gears turning in his eyes. “If you’re working with Rey… you must know something about the Jedi.”

I scoff. “Oh, I know plenty about the Jedi. Enough to know they’re a child-abusing emotional murderers who deserve to be wiped off the face of the galaxy.”

He gapes at me, and I shrug my shoulders. “I stand by my statement.”

“Then-”

“Look, I told you I was unaffiliated. That means to the ‘light side’ as well.”

“You’re not light side..?”  
  
I stand abruptly and brush sediment off my pants. “No, no I am not. Now please drop it.”

“If you’re not light, then you’re dark.”

“Full marks Mr. Dameron. Go spread that to your little betting pool. I’m sure they’ll have a blast with it.” I gather up my pack and turn to go. I can meditate elsewhere.

As I walk away, Poe is still sitting by the water, looking contemplative. “I’ll find out eventually!” He calls to me.

I roll my eyes and continue cutting through the underbrush.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

I keep calling her the scavenger in my head. After all, that’s all she was for so long. That’s probably what she still calls herself. I know I would.

Now she’s one of the most powerful Force users since Anakin Skywalker. And I’m supposed to _teach_ her.

In some ways, it will be easy. She knows nothing of the basics, technique- hell, she probably doesn’t even know how to meditate properly. It’s not the knowledge I’m worried about, it’s the raw strength. I’m not weak, make no mistake. But in the end I was never truly a match for Kylo, even at my best. And if she held her own against him…

Leia’s request came at a time of calamity. Emperor Snoke had just been killed; the entire base was on mayday. And then, a quiet blip in the system, just a few bits of a message. From Leia. Asking if she could send a request.

It didn’t surprise me. I never truly lost contact with Leia completely; I admired her too much. Plus, someone had to give it to her straight about her son. So there would be a message here, maybe meeting with a droid on a mission occasionally. But she respected my choices and I respected hers. Two different paths. She had never crossed that line until then.

Once I accepted, she laid it out for me plain. She had the girl, or would have her soon. She’s raw, scared out of her mind, and likely to blow a hole in someone’s head if she doesn’t have someone to teach her. Luke is dead. Leia is powerful, but untrained. She’s refused Kylo’s help. The other knights are mostly crazy. That leaves me. One of the only other people Leia trusts.

I say I’ll do it, but I’ll do it my way. She knows full well what that meant. And shockingly enough, she agreed.

And now…

“Rey.” I hold out a hand to the woman in front of me. “It is an honor.”

She takes my hand wearily, but with a spark of hope in her eyes. Leia is standing between us, looking calmly at the both of us. Maybe this will go okay. Maybe.

“Thank you? I think.” She bites her lip. Nervous. She’s seen a lot; probably too much. We’ll have to work on some coping techniques.

“You don’t have to explain your situation to me Rey. But I want you to know that I am here to help you.”

She looks at Leia, a little betrayed. “You told her?”

Leia nods. “I believe in Cade, Rey. She has the power to help you.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“General Organa is very strong,” I echo my thoughts from before, “but untrained. I am best suited to guide you from this point forward.”

She eyes me. “And you’ve… trained.”

I smile. “Yes. Once, as a Jedi; now, as an individual. I believe-”

“You’re a Jedi?” The emotion on her face immediately changes to one of awe.

“No. I trained as a Jedi. Big difference.”

“But… how could you not be one? If you’re not a Jedi… you’re dark side!”

“Ah.” I give Leia a look that says, _this is what you get for not telling her._ “I am neither Light nor Dark. A neutral party, if you will.”

“That’s impossible!”

“And yet, here I am.”

She turns to Leia, again. She trusts her with her life, I can already tell. Perhaps if Leia says she trusts me- which I know she does- “Why do I need a teacher? I’ve got the books I saved, I can just-”

“Books?” My interest piques. “What books.”

“ _Jedi_ books.”

No.

I hiss a little, a stream of frustration released between the gap of my teeth. “You should have let those burn.”

“Burn?”

“Never mind. What have you done with them?”

“N- nothing, yet-”

“Good. I suggest it stays that way.”

“But-!”

“Rey, I want you to listen very carefully to me. I want to help you. But I can’t do that if you’re predisposed to a third party I have no control over. What would the Jedi say? Remain unprejudiced.”

“But you said you weren’t a Jedi.”

I look at Leia. _Should we, or shouldn’t we?_ She nods, just a little, and I sigh. “I’m not. Technically… I’m a Knight.”

“A knight of what?”

Leia and I eye each other. “Rey, how much do you know of the First Order?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible

“Knock knock.”

I turn towards the door only to see Poe standing there with two steaming cups. “Can I help you, Mr. Dameron?”

“Thought you might want this.” He hands me one. The dark liquid is bitter and raw, and I enjoy the burning it makes as it runs down my throat. “Rough day?”

I laugh bitterly. “Plenty of fodder for your rumor mill, I’m sure.”

“I’ve heard a few things.”

“Such as?”

“Rey attacked you with a lightsaber because you told her you were a Knight of Ren.”

I nod my head. “Your rumor mill is not completely untrue, it seems.”

He stares at me like I’ve down a third head. “You-”

I mock salute, wincing as it pulls the bandages now wrapped around my right arm. It seems Rey is already quite handy with a weapon. “Caderyn Ren, at your service.”

“You’re First Order!”

“Technically. The Knights are hosted by the First Order, though we don’t all necessarily subscribe to their ideals.”

“How can you be so calm about this?”

“About?”

“You are sitting here, in a Resistance Base, telling me, what, that you came to us from the First Order? That you work for them?”

“I told you. General Organa and I have an arrangement.”

“What arrangement could she possibly-”

“That I teach Rey what I know.” I take another scalding sip. “Simple.”

“Simple?!”

“I teach Rey with no regards to any affiliation whatsoever. Neutral. Nonaligned. Impartial. Do you know what the word neutral means, Mr. Dameron?”

He glares at me. “I’m aware.”

“Then you should have no problems with my presence on your base.”

“How can you say that!”

 _Oh for star’s sake_ \- “I have friends in high places, Dameron, but if I wanted you or anyone on this base dead they would already be in the ground. So you needn’t worry.”

“You-”

“Yes, the person you are now standing in front of you have been actively trying to kill for the last half-decade.” I smile over the rim of my cup. “Funny, isn’t it?”

“I’m not laughing.”

“Well, that’s your fault. I find it hilarious.”

“Okay.” He sits down next to me, running his hands through his curls haphazardly, like he might pull them out of his scalp. “Okay. You came from the First Order, but you’re not First Order. You’re working for the Resistance, but you’re not Resistance.”

“Full marks.”

“And your last name is Ren, and you’re a Knight of Ren.”

I shrug my shoulders. “It became tradition. To take on the last name.”

“Of the Jedi Killer.”

“Of _Kylo_.”

“And you call him Kylo.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“…because he’s a mass-murdering psychopath!”

I tilt my head. “He’s a friend. Just like Jessika Pava is a friend. I call him Kylo, I call her Jessika. Same difference.”

That stopped him short. “You… know Jessika?”

“Quite well, actually. We’re from the same planet.” He looks completely baffled. “Like I said, Dameron. Friends in high places. And on both sides.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

“She didn’t take too well to me, did she?”

I’m sitting in Leia’s office, letting her mother the bandage on my shoulder until she’s satisfied it’s wrapped properly. “Rey is quite… stubborn. You have your work cut out for you. But she’ll come around.”

“You might have warned me she carried Luke’s saber.”

She smiles softly, giving my shoulder a light pat. “To be honest, it was such a shock to see it, I completely forgot.”

Ah. “I’m so sorry, Leia.”

She shakes her head sadly. “He sacrificed himself to save us. And now I can never thank him.”

I stand and put an arm around her. It’s strange, being the one to comfort her, especially when I’m two heads taller than her now. I’m used to coming to her with a scraped knee or boy troubles and having her set me to rights. “He died a hero. Make no mistake.”

“I’m sure you miss him too.” She looks up at me, eyes a little misty, and I find mine are as well.

“Sometimes, I find myself missing him. Sometimes, I… I’m glad I left.”

She nods, and says nothing more on the matter. She’s good like that. “And how is Ben/“

“Kylo is….” I decide to be blunt with her. “Lost.”

She smiles mirthlessly. “When is he ever not?”

“With Snoke dead, he crowned himself emperor, and that’s just a nightmare waiting to happen. As much as I’d have liked to stick around and knock some sense into him, I’m glad I got out when I-”

“Snoke is dead?”

I nod. “Rey killed him, apparently. How she managed that I have no idea. I was hoping she would tell me.”

Leia has gone a little pale. “She didn’t tell me that. But, she hasn’t told me much of what happened over there.”

“Kylo didn’t talk to me about it. Also odd.” I shrug my shoulders. “Past that, the same he’s always been.”

She sighs. “I see.”

“Sorry I couldn’t have better news for you.”

“Not your fault, dear.” She tries to smile at me. “Just being here is enough. Not just for Rey. You… remind me. Of back then.

“Back then. Fun times.”

She puts a hand on my wrist and squeezes tightly. “Thank you for being here, Cade.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I begged my parents to go to the academy. Begged, pleaded, whined, cried, bargained argued, flat out tried to run away a couple of times. They refused each and every time. Then, I was too young to understand why. I just thought they were being cruel, as kids are wont to do. But once it became clear how strong I was in the Force, they had no choice but to let me go.

Imagine. A whole island filled with kids exactly like you. Dormitories with your own room. A sleepover every night. You no longer had to hide, or feel like an outcast. Luke made each and every one of us feel special; feel welcomed. He was good like that.

Leia was as well. She visited frequently, to see her brother and her son, and just about everyone who met her took a shine to her, especially me. She was so warm to us, asking to meet Ben’s friends and hugging us each one by one. I could talk to her about anything, and often did. She never seemed to mind. She was our mom while our real moms were away.

Ben was always a bit different. A little more aloof, a little more lonely. It didn’t help that he was Luke’s nephew. Rumors abound, which just made him even more isolated. He stuck to himself, mostly. But he was always kind to me whenever I ran into him, despite being so much older.

One time, I was crying in the woods. I had just ran out of a lesson, terrified, because what Luke was telling me was so against what I thought he believed. He was always so kind, encouraging us to make friends, to write to our parents and siblings and friends back home.

Now he’s telling us to give that all up.

Emotions, he said, are the enemy. Attachments are the enemy. You must let go of anything tying you to the physical world: possessions, friends, family. Repress them. Let them float away like steam from a hot bath. Do not let yourself feel, and that is the key to success.

I didn’t understand it at all.

I loved my parents. I loved my friends. I loved my life here; my room with my own bed and the little knickknacks I had gotten for my birthday. How could I let that all go? How was I supposed to feel nothing when nothing would mean giving up happiness? Sure, sadness and anger and fear I could do without, but I couldn’t help but feel them when they came along. I couldn’t seem to turn it off at all. I was frustrated with myself for not getting it. I would never be a Jedi at this rate.

Ben found me crying, and he sat down next to me without a word, letting me cry myself out before even saying anything.

“Hey, kid. You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

I hiccuped. “How… how did you- find me?”

“Don’t know, but a sobbing girl running across the field into the woods attracts just a bit of attention.”

My cheeks flared. Great. Now everyone knew.

“Hey, no, don’t worry about it. We all get bad days. Hell, I have more bad days than good.”

“R-really?”

“Yup.” The smile he gave me was tired, and didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Now why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Master Luke said to be a true Jedi we have to take out all the emotions and let them fly away. But I don’t know how to do that!” I sobbed a little more. “Clearly,” I said sheepishly, wiping my nose on my sleeve.

His face darkened. “Listen, kid. I know what Luke says. But… emotions aren’t all bad. You’re allowed to feel sad, or mad, or even happy.”

He seemed to be talking to himself as much as me. “I don’t know how to turn them off.”

“I don’t either.”

I looked at him, shocked. He was the prodigal son, more powerful than any of us. He showed up even Luke a couple of times, and that was really, really hard to do. And he couldn’t do what Luke said was the most important thing? “Really?”

He sighed. “Really. So don’t worry about it, okay?” He put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in to a side hug, which I leaned into. It was nice to have some human contact.

“Okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

I’m sitting in the canteen trying to ignore the stares. Now that my secret is out, I see no reason to cower in my room. Let them see it doesn’t bother me, even if it does on some level. But I take my tray like everyone else and go sit in the far corner, not expecting anyone to bother me. I bury my head in making some notes about what Rey should know- they can be delivered to her if she continues adamantly refusing to work with me- and am surprised when someone clears their throat in front of me.

Rey.

“Rey! Please, sit.” I brush my papers aside and she takes a seat across from me, worrying her fingers like a tell. “What can I do for you?”

She takes a breath. “I have decided to trust you.”

“You don’t have to trust me, you know. You just have to hear me out. You might learn something out of it.”

She shakes her head. “If I wasn’t able to learn anything from Luke, I don’t think-”

“Ah, that’s right. You found Luke.” I chuckle a little to myself. “I’d imagine he was not eager to help you.”

She looks at me. “No. How did you…?”

“I said I trained as a Jedi, Rey. Who do you think that was under?”

Her eyes widened. “You- you trained under Luke? But how-?”

“It was many years ago now. But I know him. What did he say to you, Rey?”

Her eyes suddenly seem very interested in examining the contents of my tray. I know this can’t be good, though I have a guess as to what the sentiment was. “He said… the Jedi Order needs to die.”

I nod my head. “I’m going to be straight with you. I believe that as well. It’s why I’m here.”

“Why you’re here?”

“To prevent you from becoming a Jedi.” She jerks back as if I’ve just slapped her in the face. “I’m not here to hinder you or your abilities. I can and will make you more controlled, more powerful than you might have ever imagined. But if I do my job correctly, you will not identify as a Jedi.”

“But why?”

“Because Luke was right, Rey. The Jedi code is full of emotionally stunting and manipulative material that only serves those in charge, not the students they claim they wish to inspire. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.”

“I don’t understand.”

I smile at her kindly. “I know. Those books? Read a few pages. Just a few. They’re chock full of ideologies you should be aware of should you continue down this path.”

“I thought you just said you wanted to stop me from becoming a Jedi?”

I shake my head. “We all have to make our own choices in the end, Rey. If you still choose to resurrect the Order, then there’s not much I can do about it. But I will try and stop you.”

“Is that a threat?”

“No. Just a fact.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

“I need to know more.”

I groan, and sit up in bed. “Yes, by all means, Dameron, call me in the middle of the night.”

“Why don’t you call me Poe?”

“Really? _That’s_ what you’re calling me about at… 2AM?”

“No. Yes. Well, no. I need to know more. About the First Order.”

I pause. “You’re on dangerous ground here, Dameron.”

“I’m not asking for any top-secret information, I just… what’s it like?”

“Well… remarkably similar to anything you might do over here. The base is bigger, and colder. But we’ve got pilots and generals and soldiers and whatnot. I don’t know what you’re trying to ask me.”

“What’s it _like_? Are there good people there? What do you eat? Sleep?”

Ah. Existential crisis mode has activated. “Yes, there are good people there. Most every stormtrooper you’d ever meet has a group of friends they’d like to come back to at the end of the day. The food is absolute trash, you’re lucky you have a cafeteria. And yes, Poe, we all sleep.”

He was quiet for a minute. “You called me Poe.”

 _Kriffing_ \- “Did you not just ask me to?”

“Just thought I’d point it out.”

I wait, but nothing else seems to be forthcoming. “Well, if that’s all, I think I’m going back to sleep-”

“Wait!”

“Yes?”

“Be- Kylo. What’s… what’s he like.”

“Oh, you mean the Jedi Killer?”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? The only interaction I’ve ever had with the man he tortured me for information on Skywalker. That’s what I’ve got to go off of here. Change my mind.”

“Well… he’s not always like that.” I think of the boy I knew at the academy, turned into the man in front of me today. “He can be scary when he needs to be, but there’s a softer side to him. A sweet side.”

“And you know this how?”

“Well I’ve known him since I was twelve, so…”

“Twelve!”

“We studied under Luke together.” _I might’ve had a bit of a crush on him, but that’s besides the point._ “He was older, so it’s not like we were best friends-”

“But- you knew him. When he was… Ben.”

I grin wickedly. “Knew him? Dameron, there were birthday parties involved.”

“Oh, my god. Forget I said anything.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

The night he came, I could already smell the smoke.   
  
It had woken me up, the taste of damp burning filtering through my cracked window. The older students had hosted a bonfire that night, and I figured it had just been running late. I could see smoldering embers on the hill where the fire was still trying to die out. So I shut the window and went back to bed, covers pulled up to my chin. But it was still lingering, along with a niggling sense of doubt that had planted in the back of my mind. Something wasn’t right. I could feel it.

I paced for a little bit, I think. Rearranged the pictures on my wall. Tried to meditate, like Luke had taught me, pushing away the nerves with my steady breathing. Nothing helped. I resigned it to a sleepless night-

And then the screaming started.

It was faint, at first. From all the way on the other side of the school. In hindsight, I should have ran, should have gotten out the window and booked it to the forest, but I was paralyzed in my fear. I had no means of defense, no weapons, save burgeoning powers that could barely close a door on the other side of the room, much less fend off an attacker. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, crawled under my bed, tugged down the remaining sheets so the gap would be covered, and waited.

And waited.

I crawled back out, at one point, and pulled a pillowcase off of my bed. In it went a few changes of clothes, my diary, a couple photographs. I kept debating on whether I should make a run for it, but just as I reached for the doorknob, it turned on its own.

Back under the bed.

I sat with bated breath. The door creaked open slowly, like something out of a horror movie, and I tried not to breathe for fear whoever it was would her my heart beating out of its chest. The eerie glow of a lightsaber illuminated the shadows of the room until feet came to a stop directly in front of my face.

I knew those shoes.

“Caderyn. I know you’re in here.”

“Ben?” I peeked out from underneath the bedclothes. “What’s going on? Is everything… what’s wrong?”

“Get up.” I did so, trying to ignore the brusqueness of his voice, brushing dirt off my pajamas. He was eyeing me in a way that made me nervous. Weighing me, up and down, like he was thinking. Deciding. I wouldn’t know until much, much later how close the scales of life came to tipping in that moment.

“Put on some clothes. We’re getting out of here.”

I did as he said without question, trying not to blush under his gaze. Now is not the time, Caderyn! “What’s going on?”

“Someone ambushed the school. The whole place is going to go up in flames.”

That spurred me. I was glad I could simply snatch my pillowcase off the bed and follow him out the door. We collected a few more students along the way, never stopping for more than a few minutes. If they refused to go with us, we left them to navigate the smoke filled hallways alone.

I was the one who woke Faustina. She was always a heavy sleeper. I told her to get up, and come with me. Ben nodded. He- we were too frightened to question much. Our home had been attacked. That was all we knew. And we knew that Ben would get us out.

A few more trickled in. Faustina and I held hands, creating a chain as we ran through the smoky hallways of the compound, the only light guiding us being the flames on the other side of the building and Ben’s saber primed and ready out in front of him.

I remember seeing the bodies.

We had made it to the field, and he seemed to be aiming for the woods, so we trampled through the grass, trying to ignore the crunching from where it had already burned. We came upon that lone bonfire on the top of the hill- well, everyone else skirted around it. I ran to the top, desperate to find anyone else who might come with us, to make sense of this madness. I was met with nothing but carnage. Bodies of the older class strewn where they had sat, some still holding cups of something that had long spilled into the grass. The smell of burned flesh was coming from someone’s arm that had fallen into the fire.

It didn’t occurs to me til later that they were wounds made by a lightsaber.

“Caderyn! Come on!” Faustina tugged on my arm back down the hill, and I ran with her, eyes tightly shut and tears streaming down my face. If they were dead- what about everyone else? Were we it? The only ones left?

He told us that Luke would be waiting for us in the woods. It wasn’t Luke, but a sleek black transport ship hidden amongst the trees that met our ragtag team as we stumbled through the forest. I was too young to realize we were set up. So we got on the ship, and let the door close, and let it fly away, still holding each other’s hands like they were a life rope.

Even years later, when we all came to the conclusion that it was Ben all along, it wasn’t- it wasn’t talked about. He had changed, and not necessarily for the better, but he was still Ben. Kylo. So we followed him. We continue to follow him. He’s- more than a friend now. To all of us. It’s hard to explain, but I would die for him, without question. He’s not perfect- but he’s given us more than we ever could have gotten trapped in that school.

“And that’s what happened.” I look at Rey, who has been sitting across from me slack-jawed since I began talking.

“That’s it? He just- killed… all those people?”

I nod. “I make no excuse for his actions. It was… abhorrent. But I suppose at the time it seemed like the most viable option. He was angry at the world, angry at the Jedi, angry at himself. It all… had to go somewhere.”

“He murdered your friends!”

“As I said, don’t mistake me. I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t think any of us have. But we do owe him, in a twisted sense.” I take a breath. “And beyond that, those people- weren’t really my friends anyways. Ben had a knack for choosing the outcasts. Like himself. Everyone who was dead- they were the ones who could detach themselves from their surroundings. Like proper Jedi.” I try not to let bitterness creep into my tone. “Some of them… let’s just say I was not sad to see them dead.”

“I can’t believe it.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Believe it or not, it is the truth. And you said you wished to know.”

“I did. Now I don’t.”

I nod. “There are some things we are never ready to hear. Or tell,” I mutter as I walk away, trying to subtly wipe a tear from my eye without anyone noticing. I don’t make a habit of reliving that night often. I can hear Rey silently weeping behind me, but I don’t have the strength or knowledge to comfort her. Not when I’ve just had to relive my own demons.

“Rey? Hey- what’s wrong?”

Dameron has an uncanny habit of showing up exactly when I don’t want him to.

She shakes her head, points to me, then runs off into the darkness. He looks at me, and I angle my face away from the light so the tears won’t shimmer from the shadows.

“What did you do?”

I sigh. “Simply… told her what she wished to know. What she thought she wanted to know.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well sometimes we don’t understand! We don’t understand why- or how- but some things are just out of our control and we have to sit there and watch it happen!” Depressingly, I burst into tears, exactly what I wanted to get back to my room before doing.

“Hey, whoa, okay- it’s okay.” Before I know what’s happening, he pulls me into a hug, resisting when I try to pull away until I melt into the gesture.

We stand there for a few moments, me trying to pull myself together, his hand on the small of my back and looking up at the stars. “You must really love him, huh?”

I jerk back. “You-”

“Were listening. Sorry. I overheard and-”

“Got curious?” I pull away from him and set my arms, feeling the anger grow. “You had no right.”

“I have a right to know who I’m working with.”

‘Bullshit.” I move past him, but he blocks me. “Move, Dameron. You’ve heard all there is to hear.”

“No, answer me. You love him, don’t you.”

I glare at him. “Yes. Like a brother. I thought once-” I shake my head. “He’s like a brother to me.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah. You can do better than that scumbag.”

“He’s not-”

“Cade? Caderyn? I just heard the whole thing. You’re gonna let me have this one.” He reaches out, faster than lightning, and brushes a tear away from my face before turning and walking away, leaving me more confused than ever.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

It was a very sleepless night.

Rather than fighting it, I sneak out of the base before the sun rises, cloak over my shoulders to ward off the chill, and make my way across the jungle to my hidden TIE fighter, still settled where I landed her. Leia told me exactly where the sentries don’t go, so I didn’t bother covering her up. I run a finger along the metal casing, patting it affectionately, before sitting down and leaning against the wing of it, closing my eyes.

I’m grateful for something familiar behind me as I meditate.

“Well holy shit.” I nearly jump out of my skin as the person behind me taps the side of my ship with a metallic ping. “Don’t think I really believed you until now.”

“Dameron.”

“I told you, it’s Poe.”

“I think I prefer to call my stalker by his last name.”

He pauses for a moment, then laughs, ringing through the trees. “Point taken. But after last night- just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to do something stupid.”

I sigh, thunking my head against the metal. “I’m fine, Poe. Now please leave.”

“Can I- can I take a look at her?” I can hear a pilot’s curiosity in his voice, warm and hungry at the same time, and I smile. This, we can relate to.

“Sure. Ever flown a TIE?”

“Once. Escaping Starkiller Base.”

I blanch. “You were the prisoner that escaped. With the rogue stormtrooper.”

He winks at me. “The one and only. You’ll have to meet Finn while you’re here, he’s a pretty cool guy.”

“Finn?”

“Said rogue stormtrooper.”

“Ah.” I shake my head. “Small galaxy.”

“Something like that.” He’d already climbed into the cockpit, lightly running his hands over the controls. “Or your dear old boss has a thing for kidnapping and hostages.”  
“He- Luke was very important to him. But for what it’s worth, I formally apologize for dear old boss’ actions.” The words feel strange coming up of my mouth, but he laughs, so I guess that’s alright.

I point out the controls, the main thruster and navigation units. I have no idea why, but I suppose something from home after this month away is calming my nerves. It’s nice to know exactly where everything is, and everything in its place. No emotional Force users to gauge, no teasing from a certain stalker-y pilot. Just shop talk. I can do that.

“So you’re a pilot then? You gotta be, talking like this.”

“Yes. But I’m also a sniper, ground patrol, and excellent in combat. We trained to be more than sufficient in every area.”

“Interesting.”

“Surely you know how to work a blaster, Poe. It’s no different than that.”

“She says as her lightsaber sits in her bag.”

“How did you-”

He shrugs and gives that infuriating smile. “Lucky guess. Figured you might want to hit some stuff.”

I had planned on chopping down a few trees.

“Yes well, thank you for ruining my date with my lightsaber.”

“Anytime, sweet stuff.” I twist my nose at the nickname, which makes him chuckle. “But if you still need to work out your anger issues, don’t mind me. I’ll just be over here finding this thing’s weak spot.”

“Good luck, it doesn’t have one.”

He hums noncommittally. I turn and call my saber to me, activating it a little too eagerly, like I cant wait to feel it vibrating under my palms. Rey and I have barely gotten past basic stances, never mind weapon work. I’ve missed having raw power at my fingertips.

Acutely aware of Poe behind me, I take a few experimental swings. The another. It sings through the air exactly how I want it to, light and weighty all at the same time. Then I turn the nearest tree and fucking lay in, attacking the trunk like my life depends on it. Birds depart from the canopy as I work up a sweat, determined to get out all the negative emotions last night into the open and out of me.

It occurs to me this is sort of what Luke was trying to teach us. I brush that thought aside.   
Eventually, once the tree has fallen, I deactivate, breathing heavily. Once again I feel eyes on the back of me, and turn to find Poe staring at me with a hint of grudging respect in his eyes.

“Better than therapy.” I use the hem of my shirt to wipe sweat from my forehead, grinning at him. “Did you find your sweet spot?”

“…no.”

“Told you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible

The mess hall is loud and boisterous, exactly how I don’t like to spend my breaks, but I brave it anyways, pushing open the double doors until a wall of sound hits me in my face. There’s chatter, laughing, cheering and a few claps here and there. Much more lively than I’m used to. But maybe that’s because everyone tended to go quiet when the Knights showed up.

Here I’m just a regular person. It’s kind of nice.

I grab a tray and head to my corner when a familiar curly head begins waving at me. “Cade! Hey! Come sit with us!”

I oblige, making a beeline for the table. “Hello, stalker. Snap.” I nod to him on the other end of the table and he salutes, then puts another forkful into his mouth. “And I don’t believe we’ve met?” A dark-skinned man sits across from Poe in a worn leather jacket. He’s eyeing me like I’m about to pull out my saber and take a chunk out of him.

Poe smiles like a proud father. “Cade, this is Finn. Finn, Cade.”

I raise an eyebrow. “The rogue.”

“I could say the same to you.”

He has the accent most stormtroopers speak with. “Fair enough. May I sit?”

He gestures and I do so. Poe is watching the two of us like a chess match, but I’m determined to hold my tongue.

“So, what made you desert the First Order?”

I cough a little on my last bite of food, and take a drink to cover it. “Well, you certainly don’t beat around the bush.”

He shrugs. “Never much saw the point.”

“Well, for your information, I haven’t deserted… exactly. I still consider myself a Knight. But I’m doing a favor for Leia.”

“You were a Knight?”

“I _am_ a Knight.” I take a bite of food that’s surprisingly edible.

“Then you know what happened to the rest of them?”

I take great care in making sure my face reveals nothing. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Come on, don’t lie. There used to be, what, fifteen of you guys? Twenty? By the time I- left, there were ten, if that. And I’m willing to bet there’s even less now.” He leans in, not necessarily in a kind way. “So what happened to them?”

I could blow him off, move to another table. Forget he asked. But I don’t like the way he’s looking at me, like he’s daring me to answer. “Most of them are dead,” I say bluntly. It’s amazing how many topics of conversation regarding me are depressing.

“How?”

I sigh, and slump a little in my seat. “Let’s say… Snoke didn’t always have a good grasp on what his mind control actually did to people.”

He blanches. “You mean they-”

“Some went insane. Some ran off before they went insane. Others killed themselves to get away from the voices in their head.” I level my gaze on him. “Does that answer your question, FN?”

“It’s Finn.”

“Not if you’re going to ask questions like that.”

“You said you were a neutral party!”

“Whoa, hey- guys.” Poe is frowning, looking back and forth between us. “I didn’t introduce you so you could fight. I thought-”

“What, that everyone in the First Order gets along?” He shakes his head. “You should see some of the things she’s done, Poe. She’s a monster, just like her master.”

“Call me what you will, but leave Kylo out of it.”

“Why should I? He almost killed me.”

“Guys-”

“I’m sorry, were you expecting a get out of jail free card? You were _deserting_. What else was he going to do?”

“And you? Would you have done the same?”

I tilt my chin. “If the situation required it. Yes.”

He snorts, then shovels another bite of food into his mouth. “So much for neutral.”

I walk away before I can say anything else. I don’t really pay attention to where I’m walking, so long as it’s away from that insolent man. No wonder he deserted. And no wonder Phasma’s had it out for him since the beginning.

“Hey- Cade! Wait up!”

I slow so Poe can fall into step beside me.”I- I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think-”

“It’s fine, Poe.” I keep walking, aiming for my meditation spot in the forest. “Just think next time before you do something stupid.”

“Hey, I didn’t think-”

“What? That a deserter wouldn’t take a shine to me?” I shake my head. “Even in the Order, the Knights are mostly… feared. There’s not a lot of love between us.”

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“I can deal with some criticism, Poe.” I pat his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it.”

“If you say so.”

_Idiot._


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

She’s such a natural I feel like I should be jealous.

As Rey details the things she’s done, I can’t help but gape a little bit. She’s doing things it takes years for other people to do, let alone master. Yet here she is moving rocks, swinging a saber competently, and already influencing people’s minds. She can tell I’m impressed, and smiles smugly, so I have to school my features. Poker faces were never my strong suit.

“It’s quite… impressive, Rey. That you’ve gotten as far as you have on your own.”

“You think so?” She looks down at the saber in her hands, turning the metal casing over and over in her fingers like a ritual. “I just did what needed to be done.”

I nod. “When the need arises, we often find ourselves rising to the challenge, no matter the skill level. Now, let’s see what you can do in hand to hand.”

Instinctively, she reaches for her staff that’s leaning up against the way, but I clear my throat, and she stops, looking guilty. She settles in front of me in the stance I taught her- feet wide, arms in a defensive position, hands curled into proper fists. “Go.”

She comes at me tentatively, without the protection of a weapon, and I have her on her back easily enough. She’s strong, but hesitant. There’s no place for hesitancy on the battlefield.

“Again.” She gets up, adjusts her angle of attack- smart girl- and tries again, a little quicker this time.

“Can I ask you something?” She jabs her hand up towards my jaw and I block, using her own momentum to throw her off balance.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Considering last time.” I make a pass at her feet but she nimbly darts out of the way, taking advantage of the window to try and dismantle my guard.

“It’s different.”

“Well, as long as you can talk and fight.”

Her brow furrows, concentrating on blocking a series of punches to her core, and then skips to the side. “I can try.”

I nod, pleased with her answer. Multitasking is a valuable skill.

“Why don’t you like the Jedi?”

I stop, and she almost gets a punch in to my nose. I have to duck and circle around her to avoid it, just like I’d really like to avoid that question.

“I thought you said keep going?”

“I did, just… give me a minute.” I try to steady my breathing. This is no time to get all worked up, not while sparring. “I’ve told you- the idea that anyone should repress their emotions in the name of logical clarity is absurd.”

“Yeah, but why do you hate them?”

Once again, I have to hand it to her. She’s smart. I sigh and motion to the water bottles sitting against the wall, indicating to her to get a drink. “I’ll tell you, if you really want to know.”

She nods and retrieves the bottles. I have to resist from dumping half of it over my head.

“My parents were both a part of the Jedi Order, long ago when the Jedi had power, and lots of it. They were both very promising individuals, I’m told. My father specialized in telepathy, and my mother in weapons. They had everything going for them.”

Rey takes a drink. “So what happened?”

“They fell in love.”

She frowns. “But that’s…beautiful.”

I grimace. “Not to the Jedi. Attachments, especially to other people, are strictly forbidden. So when they were caught, and refused to give each other up, they were cast out of the Order. Excommunicated. Wiped from the records. Barred from seeing their friends and family inside the Order. It was like they never existed. They had to start over on a planet the Order dropped them off at with nothing but each other and a few units between the both of them.”

“That’s not right.”

“No, it’s not.” I cap my water and slide it back over to the wall. “And I refuse to follow in the footsteps of people who would call falling in love a disgrace.” I rise, and pull her up with me. “Now. Again.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

I decide to avoid the dining hall the next night. I don’t want a repeat of what happened. My stomach is rumbling but I ignore it, sitting cross-legged on my mattress with a book propped open in front of me. A Jedi book. I had Rey give me one, so I could see if it really is as bad as I remembered. Newsflash: it is. Someone knocks on the door and I quickly shove a bookmark in my spot, closing the thick cover with a puff of dust. “Come in.”

Poe is standing there with two plates. “Can I-?”

I wave him in and the door closes behind him. “The stalker strikes again.”

His eyes crinkle up when he laughs, framing brown eyes beautifully. Why had I never noticed that before?

“Didn’t see you in the dining hall.”

“Yes, well, I thought it best to avoid a repeat of yesterday.”

“I really am sorry about that.”

I wave him off. “You’ve said. No harm done, really, Poe. I’m fine.”

“Hungry, hopefully?”

My stomach growls in response, answering for me. “Maybe a little.” Wordlessly, he hands over a plate of food and settles down on the floor across from me, back up against the wall, plate in his lap. “And you’re keeping me company for the evening?”

“If you’re agreeable.”

“Only if you promise to stop stalking me.”

“Now why would I ever do that, doll face?”

I wrinkle my nose at the nickname. “Please, no more nicknames. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

I roll my eyes, trying to ignore the warmth that bursts in me just below my chest. Damn him. I tell myself to stay away from charmers, and this is where it gets me.

We pick at our food for a bit in silence, until his metal plate clatters to the floor with a jarring noise. “Okay. I have to ask you something.”

“Kriffing hell, what is it with you people and questions? Do they never end?”  
He gives me a lopsided smile. “I guess we’re just more curious,” he says smugly, sticking his tongue out at me like a child. I find myself laughing in return.

“Fine. Shoot.”

“With Finn, you mentioned- well.” His face stills into something more somber. I have to resist the urge to reach over and smooth the worry lines from his face. “That was never you, right?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“You said some of the Knights-”

“Yes. That.” I cut him off before he gets any further. “Why do you ask?”

“Like you said, I’m curious.”

“Okay, let me rephrase. Why do you _care_?”

He pauses. Looks at me with big eyes that want to draw me in with every second I’m staring into them. “I can’t stand the thought of you being in such a dark place.”

“Why do you care, Poe?” I’m suddenly very fed up with this game. “I’m First Order, remember? I’m a _Knight_. You shouldn’t be giving a damn about what has or hasn’t happened to me.”

“But I do.”

“And why is that?”

He gets up and comes in close, right in front of my face. “Because I like you,” he whispers, almost too soft for me to hear. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“It is once you realize I’ll be gone back to the Order in who knows how long and you’re stuck worrying about someone you’re now trying to kill.”

He shakes his head. “Friends on both sides, remember?”

“Yes. I have friends on both sides. You are a commander in the Resistance. Your loyalties are elsewhere.”

“Maybe my loyalties need expanding a bit.” Ever so slowly, he reaches out and brushes a piece of my hair away from my face, eventually settling his hand on the back of my neck, stroking it with his thumb. I still haven’t closed my eyes. I’m too busy looking in to his, wondering if this is what I really want.

God, I do. I want to take that smart mouth of his and finally shut him up for once. I want those strong hands holding me tightly. I want someone who wants to pull me down and love me no matter the side.

Gently, I trace a finger over his lips, so ready for mine I can see it in his eyes. I’m not going to lie, it’s been… well. A long time, since someone has wanted me so openly. His face is warm, flushed with want, and I…

I push him back. I push him away.

“I’m leaving.”

“What?” He jerks back like I’ve slapped him. “When?”

“Tomorrow. First light.”

“Why?”

I shake my head. “Rey is incredibly more advanced than Leia or I thought. It will be up to her to keep up her exercises I’ve given her, and thus- I’m rendered useless.”

“But you can’t just- go.”

“This was the agreement all along, Poe.”

“They’ll kill you!”

“No, they won’t.” Absences, even months long, aren’t uncommon where I’m from. “I’ll tell them I was out on a mission for someone. No harm done.”

“Right.” He looks at me like I’m absolutely insane. “There has to be something else for you here.”

Yeah. You. I want so badly for those words to fall out of my mouth, but instead I shrug. “No, Poe. There isn’t.”

I pretend my heart hasn’t broken into pieces as he turns around and leaves.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

He doesn’t show up when I leave.

It’s just Leia and Rey sending me off the next morning as the sun breaks over the horizon. I take nothing with me other than what I care with, save for the comm pad given to me in the very beginning. It has Leia’s ID keyed into it so if I ever need to reach Rey, I’ll be able to.

And Poe’s.

I’d probably be killed if it was found amongst my things. Somehow, I don’t really care.

“Thank you,” Rey whispers in my ear as she hugs me tightly. We’ve become more than amicable in the past few weeks and I find her goodbye tugging on my heart in ways I don’t like.

“It’s all you,” I reply, and she gives me a smile. Leia is next, looking queenly as ever. She wraps me in her arms and this is when I have to try not to break down sobbing. It’s been so good to have a reminder of the old days, before the war, before everything.

“I’ll expect a visit,” she says jokingly as she pulls back, and I smile thinly at her.

“I’ll send a comm. Keep a lookout for it.”

“Of course, dear.”

As I climb into my TIE I can’t help but be disappointed that he didn’t show. I suppose I did basically turn him down the night before, even if I didn’t want to. Somewhere in me, I vainly hope he’s as heartbroken as I am. That he actually cared.

                                                                                    .....

The trip is uneventful up to First Order airspace. I open my channels and hail the nearest control.

“This is Cade Ren requesting passage through First Order airspace. I repeat, this is Cade Ren requesting access to First Order airspace.”

There’s a crackling, static, and then a voice. “Cade Ren, your message has been received. Please stand by.”

I frown. This was unusual. Usually the Knights had unparalleled access to wherever we needed to go. I’m even more surprised when several TIEs are launched from the bay of the guard ship, apparently sent to- what? Confirm my identity, I suppose? That must be it.

The first shot sends me spinning into space.

Guess not.

I quickly take control over my TIE and avoid two more shots aimed right for my head. What the hell is going on? I open my frequencies, trying to hail one of the TIEs aiming for my ass. “This is Cade Ren, requesting access, I repeat, this is CADE REN. What the hell are you doing..!”

I dodge and weave, still sticking close to the outpost so when they realize their mistake I can dock and look for damage this idiot did to my ship. I get a bleep from my console, meaning someone has responded to my call. I open the channel. “Call off your men! What in fucking hell is going on here?”

“Cade.”

“AT!” AT-8994 is a crack pilot. He made fast friends with all the Knights once we realized if it wasn’t based on Force aptitude, he’d probably run us all out of a job. “What are you doing all the way out here? And for god’s sake stop shooting at me!”

“Cade. You need to run.”

“I- what?” I almost lose him as I dive into a barrel roll. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s Ren. He’s ordered-” he cuts out for a bit and I pound my console, trying to get him back online- “to be killed.”

“Ren orders people to be killed all the time, AT, what does this have to do with me?”

“-KNIGHTS. Knights to be killed, Cade!”

Oh.

Shit.

“He did what now?”

“He said as emperor he should be the only one who can control the Force.”

“Oh my- I’m going to kick his whiny ass when I get back so help me-”

“You can’t come back, Cade!” There’s a desperation in his voice that I don’t like. “We’ve got orders to take you down. Permanently. They’ve got pilots stationed at all the outposts looking for you, and everyone else is-”

He cuts out again, but I can hear it in the echo of his voice. Dead.

No.

“You- you can’t-”

“Cade. Turn around, fly back to wherever you came from. Otherwise I have to follow orders.”

Okay Cade, think. Think think think. “I can’t just fly away. If they- if he wants me dead they’ll expect you to follow me.”

“What do you want me to do, shoot you out of the sky? I won’t do it, Cade!”

“Good man. But I think you’ve got to.” I grimace, trying to pull my pack onto my shoulders. “Aim where you’ll cause the least damage. Leave me at least one thruster so I can pull up from the ground before I hit. If I make it to that planet over there I think I can at least jump before impact.”

“Cade- you’ll kill yourself-”

“Or you’ll kill me! You’ve already put your neck on the line giving me an out, don’t waste it, AT!”

Silence, and then a rush of static. “Okay. Okay. Get as close as you can to the atmosphere.”

“You’re a gem, AT.” I strap myself in tighter. “On my mark.”

 

 

  
“NOW.”

He shoots twin bolts at my hull and I let them hit with a sickening screech, the stabilizer going offline completely as I spin out of control. The planet is coming in hot but I’ve got to save what little thrust I have left for right before impact so I at least have a chance of crawling out of this alive. In my rear view, I see the other TIEs retreat, expecting me to land a fiery death on the surface. Excellent.

The ground comes in. I pull up with everything I have. It doesn’t feel like it did much as I skim across the ground, trying to aim for the forest so any wreckage will be concealed. The jolting is knocking my teeth together so hard I feel they might shatter, and g forces are trying to tear my body apart at every angle. Something snaps, then a blooming pain in my left shoulder. Then another- rib probably, based on the sudden labored breathing. I finally, finally skid to a stop in the middle of a clearing, surrounded by pines as tall as a temple.

I peel my forehead off the windshield, sticky with blood.

Trembling, I try to unbuckle myself, but I can’t manage with my shoulder either dislocated or broken. One rib is definitely out of place. I’m lucky it wasn’t more. I take a breath, cautiously. Excruciating, but doable.

Fumbling with my back, I try to ignore the blood covering my fingers as I pull out the comm pad Leia gave me.

Please pick up. Oh, stars, please pick up.

“Cade? What are you doing?”

“Poe.” I cough, and taste blood. That’s not good. “I’m sending you my coordinates. I need- help. Medical.”

“Are you okay? What happened?”

Things are starting to fade in and out, but I try my best to make a coherent sentence. “They shot me down. Kylo- Kylo’s orders.”

I hear a lot of swearing and bumping around, like he’s pulling on his flight suit. Please be pulling on your flight suit. “How bad is it?”

“Pretty bad.” More coughing. “Shoulder is gone, ‘nd at least one rib. Tasting blood…”

“Cade? Cade, stay with me damnit. Listen to me. We re coming to get you. Just hold on, okay?”

“M’kay.” I close my eyes, and the darkness is a welcome relief.

“Caderyn! Talk to me!”

A fleeting thought passes through my head. “Hope I don’t die before I get t’ kiss you,” I mumble, right before I let the dark take me.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

“Caderyn? Cade. Oh, god, Cade, that’s a lot of blood. Okay, here we go-”

Someone jostles my seatbelt and I whine in pain, feeling red hot spikes shoot through my body.

“You’re awake. Good. Can you open your eyes for me?”

I try as hard as I can, squinting into sunlight that’s much, much too strong. Everything is blurry, but I get glimpses of curly hair and tan hands moving over my harness, trying to maneuver the buckles while they’re slick with blood.

Oh. I guess that’s mine.

“Hey.” An unseen hand gently tilts my chin up to a familiar face. “You still in there?”

“Hey, stalker,” I mumble, grinning a little. He winces, probably because he can now see the blood pooling in my mouth.

“You called me this time, remember,” he teases, finally easing the buckle loose and pushing aside the harness. I take a bigger breath than normal, glad to be free of it. “We’re gonna get you out of here, okay? I’ve got a medical team standing by.”

“That’s… that’s good. Prolly gonna need that.”

“You bet your ass you are. I’m gonna put your arm around my neck so I can lift you out of here, okay?”

I nod feebly and he does so, throwing my right arm over his shoulder. I try to get a grip on his collar as he ever so gently moves me to a standing position, then into a cradle carry in one fell swoop. I wince, feeling my shoulder grate against itself, and bite my lip in effort to keep quiet. My head lolls back onto his chest and I have to admit… it’s nice. If only I wasn’t bleeding internally while it was happening and it’d be pretty damn near perfect.

Poe chuckles, and I can feel it in his chest. “Sweetheart, you pull through this, and I’ll carry you to bed every damn day.”

Um… “Did I say that out loud?”

“You’ve been babbling since I found you. Try not to say anything incriminating, okay?”

Too late.

I don’t think I have enough blood in my body to blush, but if I did, I’d be bright red. As it is I’m glad when I’m swarmed with people in white, reassuringly busy as they begin poking and prodding me with sharp things. The needles hurt less than my labored breathing.

“Hey, Poe?”

He’s messing with the controls on the dash, but he pokes his head in when I call. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“I want to go home.”

“Well, from what you told me, they’ve got a bounty on your head, so I don’t think that’s gonna be possible…”

“No.” I struggle to sit up so I can see him better. Him in all his glory, with those brown eyes and neon orange that somehow makes a him look even better, if that’s possible.

I pause, making sure I’d didn’t say that part out loud. No comments. Good.

“No, _home_.” I sigh. Leia, and Rey, and even Finn… and you.

He nods, like he knows exactly what I mean. The smile on his face makes his eyes light up like stars. “Home it is.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

“I didn’t want to like you, you know.”

Someone is talking to me, which is odd. The past few days, all the doctors have ever done is talk _at_ me, and doing what they will. No one has talked to me since I got back on base. I don’t think I have a voice from staying silent this long.

“But something about you…” I can hear Poe run his hands through his hair, mussing the curls. “I was drawn to you. From day one. Not just because you were a mystery either. Just so- aloof. Strong. I wanted to know you. Where you came from, where you were going. Can’t really explain it. I guess stalker is right.” He gives a little self-deprecating laugh. I want to tell him no, I gave him that name because I _liked_ it, but my mouth refused to move.

“And then it came out, that you were First Order, and it… took me over. I couldn’t stop thinking how someone like you would ever be with people like that. How for the past couple years I’ve probably flown by your TIE a million times and each time considered shooting you down. How- the place Finn came from, it’s evil, and I believe that, you can quote me- but it’s also home. To people like you. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. They can’t all be evil, right? I mean, you certainly don’t seem it. Sarcasm notwithstanding.

And I guess I didn’t know how I could like you and hate them when they are you.” He sighs, heavy and deep. “But I guess it was like you said all along. You’re not really them. I watched you train Rey. I watched you and Leia talk, and I watched you try and be nice to Finn even as he was spitting fire. And I realized it doesn’t matter where you came from. It’s what you do that counts.”

“And I like you,” he adds. “That’s the bigger- part, I guess. I like you, and for the past few years I’ve been trying to kill you. And… I’m sorry.

I won’t stop fighting for the Resistance. I can’t. They’re everything I stand for. But… every time I get into my jet I’m going to think about you. And I’m going to think about the people on your base, the people you’re friends with and who have friends and a family and- I’m gonna keep it in mind, I guess is what I’m trying to say. Because of you. For you.”

“Christ, I’m not making any sense,” he mutters, and I can feel his frustration like my own. With all the strength I have left, I force my eyes open into the bright white lights of med bay. The pain is significantly less- more of a dull ache. But I’m exhausted. Nevertheless, I lock eyes with Poe, and he goes wide eyes, like he never expected to see me again. Ha. Can’t get rid of me that easily.

Especially not when he _likes_ me.

I twitch the corner of my mouth up, and he responds in kind, a grin spreading across his face.

He knows I heard every word.


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caderyn Ren is tasked with teaching Rey what she knows- only to find someone else capturing her heart in a way she never thought possible  
> * Though Cade is meant to be reader-insert, I have avoided using second-person pronouns

I’m standing on the airfield with the help of crutches, watching the night sky like everyone else around me. They’re due back any minute, and considering he hasn’t seen me since I was practically comatose in the medical wing- I thought I’d try to give him a surprise.

They lightspeed into view, suddenly dotting the sky like stars, and a cheer rolls through the crowd. I’m smiling before I know it, spotting a particularly familiar X-Wing opening its landing gear surrounded by the others. The crowd rushes forward, eager to greet their loved ones, but I hang back, simply watching the scene.

This is what’s different. The love. Everyone on Starkiller is expendable in the worst way. But here- you mean something, even to people who don’t know you. I could get used to it.

Poe is hugging Leia as the rest of his team filter into the crowd, receiving joyous whoops and hugs and too many kisses to count. Jessika Pava and her beau are practically going at it right there on the tarmac, but nobody seems to mind. I watch with an amused smile, just enjoying the night air and the happy shouts, until out of the corner of my eye I see Leia point to me.

Poe is practically beaming as I wave half heartedly, trying to keep my balance.

He walks over with an exaggerated swagger, like the macho pilot stereotype everyone makes him out to be. “Well, sunshine. Glad to see your finally up and about.”

“For the last time, Dameron, I’m not your pet. You can’t call me whatever you please.”

“I can, and I will.” He winks at me. “You told me yourself you liked it.”

“That was under extreme duress!”

“Still counts. I warned you not to say anything incriminating, and did you listen? No.”

Exasperated, I try to punch him in the arm, only to slip my crutch loose from under my arm and lose my balance, about to fall forward onto my face and probably re-break my collarbone in front of everyone.

“Whoa! Hey, stop-” He catches me right before I fall, two arms around my waist. I look up at him, and I can’t help but think that he’s very, very close. His eyes flicker to my lips and I bite my lower, wondering if I should just go in or-

He answers for me, capturing my lips in a sweet kiss that sends chills throughout my entire body. I drop my crutch completely and wrap my arms around him, using him to hold me up as I deepen the kiss. The cheering in the background fades until all I can hear is his heartbeat, steady and reassuring underneath me as he pulls me in.

We stand like that for a while, soaking each other in, finally doing what I’ve wanted since practically I’ve been here, until I have to pull away ever so slightly to catch my breath, mingling with his in that delightful, intimate way. He looks a little concerned, but I smile and shake my head, going on for another kiss, which he happily obliges to.

Finally, it feels like home. 


End file.
